It’s been 10 years since we officially never met, and I just wanted to tell you how thrilled I am that our relationship is still going so strong.
I want to assure you that my commitment to virtually stalking you and obsessing about what bathroom products you use has not waned one iota in the last 3,650 days since I first learned of your existence.
Sure, Eric and I are no longer together—that joke of a relationship lasted only three years— but you and me? We’ve lasted the longest out of all my relationships. And that means something.
I still remember the first time I heard about you. One of Eric’s friends mentioned you briefly— but I was curious about you, so naturally, I googled you and found a link to your LiveJournal. Thanks to your regular chronicling of intimate details from your personal life, I was able to figure out your class schedule (MWF mornings), learn your shoe size (7.5) and dissect the sexual nature of your and Eric’s relationship (“It hurt cuz he’s so big!!! LOL!”)
But you had trust issues, Eric’s ex girlfriend. And after a year, you made your journal “Friends Only,” despite my silent protests. Suddenly, I was shut out of your private life, just like that!
Even though you hurt me, I forgave you for that breach of trust, when you opted for a public profile on MySpace. We rekindled our affair shortly thereafter. Frantically refreshing your profile, scanning your pictures and getting your insights on “Greg’s Halloween party” and the process in which you named your new Maltese puppy (“Albert Einstein”) was dessert for my starving stalker soul.
Soon after, you switched gears to Facebook, and naturally, I followed. I cried with you when you divulged that your mom was sick. And felt the same excitement you had when you got your Mini Cooper! And I totally agree— the racing stripe is “soooooo cute!”
It’s been a while, since I’ve checked up on you (two weeks), but I’ve been busy with insignificant things (i.e., new boyfriend and work), but I just found out through LinkedIn that you’re moving to NY! So congrats!
I think your new career in sales is a perfect fit— and I know how long you’ve wanted to quit your old job. I can’t wait to see photos of you and Albert Einstein in your new two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side.
And, if you are concerned about us, don’t worry. Just because you’re leaving the city, doesn’t mean you’re leaving my heart. In fact, nothing will change. You still won’t notice a thing.