December 2011
10 posts
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Things alcohol destroys*:
*Based on true stories
an already painful break-up (especially when he sees you passed out on the bathroom floor)
a commitment to not sleeping with that asshole ex
the ability to see ugly people
the ability to make wise decisions
the ability to look attractive
modesty
basic speech patterns
your parents’ perfect vision of you
your waistline
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That fantasy...
where everything is great all the time.
and you aren’t freaking out that you have no money again for christmas presents and travel.
and that you are on a yacht with Beyoncé and Jay-Z talking about the good life.
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12-step plan to deleting your Facebook
Step 1: Announce to all your friends that you are considering taking the great leap forward and deleting your Facebook account. Explain to them that it’s become a wasteland of fakers, phonies and bipolar megalomaniacs.
Step 2: Copy and paste Step 1 into your status update. Share with friends.
Step 3: “Like” your status.
Step 4: Stare at screen waiting for imminent comments and “likes.” Respond to...
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The perks of being “crazy”:
You can get away with shit. Start screaming in public, fighting children, stealing food from the market. All excusable if you’re a loony. Sometimes, you don’t even need to apologize. Other times, a simple “I sorry” will ameliorate even the most heinous of crimes. Just make sure to roll your eyes around and wag your tongue like a dog, as you do it.
Constant attention. This is good if you like...
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